So really not much goiing on around here. I talked to my boss the other day… I’m getting a new truck and my Mechanical License paperwork signed, but he’s got to think about the raise. I’ll be knockin’ on his door Friday. And maybe Saturday if I don’t get the answers I’m looking for. (Did I mention I’m working Saturday? Well, I am.)

Today I paid off a couple of the medical bills that have been collecting dust around here since I got hospitalized last year. There are still a lot left, so don’t get to excited about that news. I checked my credit scores last night and wasn’t terribly thrilled, or surprised, by the numbers that came back. So I decided that rather than buy a new toy, I need to get my credit back in order. So that’s the plan.

Sorry for no post, but I spent my spare time last night either driving around thinking and planning, on the phone, or doing credit related stuff. And the night before I worked a 14-hour day, thats a really good way to keep your mind off your troubles. I find that if I work enough I don’t have time to miss the company of a good woman or worry about how in the hell I’ll ever meet one again.

I was told the other night that I’ve seemingly regained the confidence that I had lost somehow while I was working for MCI/WorldCom/Verizon. That’s an easy one to explain. When I was doing that job I didn’t feel very competent and yet I couldn’t walk away from the money. After they laid me off I was able to choose a path. I chose HVACR. Then I went to school where I did well, felt competent, and was acknowledged for my skill. Now I’m doing the job that I want to do and I feel that I’m pretty damn good at it. My life problems seem small and relatively easy to fix. My future is bright and I can see where I’m going. Plus, I’ve lost weight and am feeling better about the way I look. Despite being hurt by my last girlfriend, both of my ex-wives seem to be fond of me and that helps the ego, and I’ve been getting favorable responses to any flirting I do out in the real world. So yeah, I guess I’m feeling confident. It’s a good feeling and one that’s been a long time in coming.

So weird thing happend the other night… my mom called my sister and asked if I had bought a new car. Why would she ask that? I mean, that’s kind of a weird question to just come up with. Isn’t it? Did she think that she’d seen me cruising around Orlando or something? Just seemed odd to me. But a new truck would be nice. Maybe in a couple months, after I’ve moved out and have a better idea what the budget looks like.

In case you’re wondering, because I was, it seems that there have been a whopping 18 unique visitors that have come and looked at this blog. Wow. I can only think of about 6 people that might actually read this, and you’re one of them.

I’m gonna put up a new poll and change the Grey Matter sections now. Peace. Out.

Now, where were we?

The weekend has come and gone and you didn’t hear a peep from me. I’m betting you’re on pins and needles wondering what the hell I did with myself for the last three days. Come on. I know you are. Okay, I’ll throw you a bone.

Friday I worked and then went to dinner with my ex-wife (#2). I don’t remember what I did at work, but I know that after work dinner was good, the company was good, and I was home early enough to be rested for my test. See below.

Saturday I went and kicked total ass on my R-410A certification, I may have gotten 2 questions wrong. Then I went shopping for new boots, a handgun, some clothes, and a new TV. The shopping trip was a bomb because, well, because I didn’t actually want to spend any money. I know. I know. Why go shopping if you’re not gonna spend any money. Did I mention I hate the mall? Anyway, the only thing I was willing to spend money on was boots… and they’ve got to order those. Sheeeeeeit. So after that little endeavor I took some friends out to dinner and we hung out for a bit. Then I went to Kroger and bought beer and then to K mart and bought nothing and talked to ex-wife #1 on the telephone.

Sunday I got together with my friends, as we do nearly every other Sunday. We ate pizza, played some games, and hung out until way to damn late, 12:00am or so. I must admit that some Rock Band was played on the PS3 and that this time I did join in. It really is a fun game. I like the singing best, but the guitar, bass, and even the drums are fun on easy (I’m not very good). Then I went home and didn’t sleep well at all worrying about going to work on Monday.

Today, I got up and went to work like everybody else. No more school. I didn’t get to talk to the boss about anything I wanted to, the exhaust on my truck came loose twice, but I did get one of my outstanding jobs done and made good progress on one other. I turned down a side job, no sense in being the next one fired for doing side jobs. And I managed to get a little bit of overtime. Then I got a hair cut…

…not too bad. Went and picked up my new boots, sent the old boots in to be re-toed. Went back to the mall and did some more non-shopping. Got some dinner and went to the library. And then came home and wrote this.

Okay, here’s the deal…. I’ve got to work later. I’ve got too much time right now and that just makes me realize that I’m lonely and I don’t like that feeling. Need to keep busy. Mustn’t think about it.

Anyway. That’s the short and sweet version of what’s gone on over the last couple days.

In my head, I’ve talked to my boss about a hundred times, talked to the unhappy ex-husband in a number of different situations, had sex with both my ex-wives, a waitress, and a friends girlfriend, bought my kids the Rock Band stuff for Xbox360, and spent loads of money trying to make myself content…. fortunately that was all just in my head.

Ahh, the pleasures of blogging. Peace out. Later.

I’ve finished my HVAC certification program at Northwestern Technological Institute. I’m done. Finish. Completed. And yet, it feels empty. This may be because the school basically gives you a manila folder full of resumes and says “see ya”. My instructor did bring in Dunkin’ Donuts, but that’s not really what I was looking for. How about some sort of cap and gown fandango. Nah that’d be weird.

So what’s next for me. Well, Saturday I take the certification test for the new blended refrigerants, 410A in particular. Then I’ll get my NATE certification in April. And then go for my Mechanical License in June. In the mean time I need to decide if I’m going to stay with Nichols. Which means I really need to talk to my boss tomorrow. He did the run out of the office thing again today. Why can’t this ever be easy…

After class today I went with about ten of the guys to TGIFriday’s and we had some drinks, some food, and some laughs. After spending 10-months with these guys I’m gonna miss ’em and wonder what they’ll be doing in six months.

Oh hey, I almost forgot to mention, I had another teacher approach me about teaching at the school today. So I’ve now got two instructors pushing for them to hire me. That’s a good feeling. Nice to know that somebody wants me. I think I’d be a damn good fit there at the school.

I had worked myself up to going over and getting my 10-minutes last night, but after thinking about it and looking inside myself I realize that I can’t make her come to me and she doesn’t want me to go to her so I’m gonna let it lie. It’s kinda the whole “if you love someone let them go, if they don’t come back it wasn’t meant to be” sort of thing. Maybe one day I’ll get a call, letter, or email from her, but maybe not. I’m okay with that, I’ve got my memories, a stack of letters, and a couple nice photos to look back on. So needless to say, I didn’t go over there today. It’s a little sad, but what do you do.

Is it summer yet? I really want to take the bike out and just cruise out into the country. Doesn’t that sound good. Warm sun, the hum of the motor, and the wind in your face. Good God I can’t wait until summer.

I’m on-call again tonight but thus far the pager has been quiet.

Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogy said up jump the boogy

As I suspected the little burning fire in my mouth was a filling that had come loose. The new dentist in the office took care of it and I must say, she’s a little cutie. Hell, even the cost of the thing wasn’t too bad.

Tomorrow is the final exam in my last class at Northwestern Technological Institute. Which means that I’ll be a certified. Whoopee! It’ll mean that I did learn something in the last 15-years. But it was worth it to make me realize just how much I already know. Next comes the license and then maybe, MAYBE my own business. Not sure that’s the way I want to go, but it’s good to know that it’s an option now.

I think I need about 10-minutes of conversation to get myself right with this whole break-up thing. I feel like I’m going on and on like a heartbroken school boy, but what it really boils down to is that I’m dissatisfied with the way the ending came about. It leaves me needing answers and closure. I’m going to have to get that closure. One way or another. Maybe I’ll go find the husband and talk to him… just kidding… I’m probably the last person he’d want to talk to. But I must confess that amongst the many, many crazy/humbling/desperate/weird thoughts I had as I tossed and turned last night the idea of seeking him out to apologize to him was a recurring one. But really, I don’t know why. I mean, at least on my end, it was never about him. Hell, I don’t even know the guy. Sometimes I wonder about me. I think it’s this damn need to be noble. Ah well, I’m sure my view on how it would go down and the way it would really go down are way different.

Ten minutes. Ten fucking minutes. No begging to change your mind, no funny business, just some clarification and an honest to goodness goodbye. I feel I deserve that much. But unfortunately, I’m the only one that feels that way. Ah well, I guess somethings never change when it comes to ending relationships…

Today, I damn near finished my project at school. Would have had it done if the job placement lady would have cut her, “how to get a job” speech down to a reasonable length. I mean, shit, I’m guessing everyone there has had to get a job at one point or another. Oh well, my partner will have to finish it for me tomorrow while I’m kicked back in the dentist chair.

Back at work I tried to pin the boss down for a little talk and got brushed off until later this week, maybe next week. He may be surprised to find me in his office when he gets in tomorrow. I mean, the dentist isn’t expecting me until 10:00 am, why not get this all over with so at least I know where I stand. The future isn’t getting any further away.

Work wise I found myself on a windy rooftop replacing a motor and learned the lesson (again) that I need to start keeping cold-weather clothes in the truck. Yikes it was bitter cold and windy up there. Afterwards I went and helped drag a big ‘ol furnace up two flights of stairs, did a little install work and then lay down on the icy driveway to fix my van’s exhaust which had come loose again. All in all the day was everything I could have ever wanted.

Did you notice that I’ve not been using names when I make these posts? That’s intentional, but I don’t know how you feel about it. Maybe I should give up and start using names, or maybe I should make up names for everyone I’m talking about… that might be fun. Anyway, my thinking is that probably most people don’t want to be immortalized on my blog. So I just leave the names out.

Nobody tried the 410A quiz (like anybody reads this), so I put up a new quiz that I think you can get into a bit more. VOTE. I’m gonna drink a couple beers and fiddle with my MySpace page. Later.

Today, I pulled out a heat pump that we installed a few weeks ago. Just a little one. Kinda like the in wall AC units you see on TV. Only this one is a heat pump, which means you use the refrigerant to heat rather than cool. Anyway, to make a long description less long, I think I agree with our senior service guy, heat pumps are not the way to go in Michigan. It’s just too damn cold here for them. You need a little more temperate climate to really make them work. Anyway, I think the boss has already resold it, so I’ll probably be putting it in somebody elses house in a week or so. I hope they’re happier with it than the last guy was.

Pager just went off twice. Once to say some dude had no heat. Then 5-minutes later to say, ignore that last page. Being on-call isn’t so bad.

Just three more days of school. Well, two actually, I won’t be there on Wednesday because I get to go to the dentist. Thursday almost doesn’t count either because I go in take my exam and then head to my girlfriends house… no wait, I don’t do that because I don’t have a girlfriend anymore. I guess I’ll come home and post about the last day instead. But I’ve a hunch I know what I’ll be thinking about. *Sigh* Maybe to work through this I should write another post about how this is all for the best. If I keep telling myself that, eventually I’ll believe it.

I wonder if I could get my artist friend to redo my lion? I worked on it again on Sunday but I keep finding myself unsatisfied with the result. I’m probably going to have to go and have a pro do it up right. Wonder how much that’ll cost? Ah well, if I get it done right, then I can get a hat made 🙂

Yesterday I was too pooped to play. It was one of those long nights on Saturday. You know. The kind where you spend a lot of time in the car just driving around and singing to the radio/CD player. You drive by peoples houses you know just because you don’t know why. Then you decide to get some dinner and while you’re on your way to Qdoba to get your self a delicious Fajita Ranchera Burrito your ex-wife calls, the second one, and tells you that your friends from Bellaire are in town and that you should come out and hang with them because the poor guy is stuck with about a dozen women (yeah, poor bastard, what a way to go out)… anyway, so I went. I mean really, why not. It was fun, the band was good, the company was good, and I got out fairly cheap (what with the ex owing me, ha). But thank you none the less.

It was a good night. Probably too good. But I have to thank my friends for their good advice, it worked out rather well, they’re great people. The ex says I won them in the divorce, but I think we can share them. I do need to take the bike up there and see them and their new house this summer. Okay, where was I… I think it was about 9:00 am when I finally rolled in the front door. I crashed for like, maybe two hours, and my sister only tried to wake me up twice to make her pancakes…. Listen bitch, make your own pancakes 🙂 I ain’t getting up for nobody.

When I did get up I was just kinda out of it. I wrote some song lyrics, haven’t done that in years, but they’re not very good and so I’ll not share them. Besides everybody has been giving me advice about my little, married lady that goes something like “get over it, you knew it wouldn’t last. I mean, fuck. SHE’S MARRIED.” And since I don’t want to get any more of that nonsense, I’ll just keep the lyrics to myself. I studied a little, very little. And I finished up my 2006 taxes. I think I was in bed by 9:30 pm. That was my Sunday.

This morning I took my youngest to the orthodontist, his little brother came with us. He’s too young to stay at home alone. I always feel odd taking him places, not that I’ve actually taken him all that many places. This is partially because he’s not my child, partially because his father has made it clear that he shouldn’t like me (this is bad because he does like me and that causes confusion in an 8-year old), and partially because he’s so damn demanding of my attention. The kid really wants something from me that I can’t give him. Or rather, I could, but I don’t feel like I can. It’s just rough. He sees me as his brothers dad and wants so badly to be part of their world (they’re 7 and 10 years older than he is) that he kinda latches onto me. This wasn’t so bad when I was seeing his mother, but it did make the confusion worse for him. But I’m not seeing her any more and break-ups are always hard on kids.

Funny bit, we were sitting in the waiting room, talking about I don’t remember what, and I said that I needed to get a girlfriend. He says, “Um… Ronn… What about my mom?” A little sarcastically and more as a reminder than a question. So I look at him and say, “We tried that, didn’t really work out. Remember. I haven’t been around since Thanksgiving.” That seemed to leave him at a loss. But hey, what else could I say.

Anyway, my son didn’t get his braces off yet again. He also got a promise to get the fuck kicked out of him if he didn’t get his grades back up. Yeah, I know I shouldn’t talk to the kid like that, but it works. Besides at 14 the kid has too much fuck building up in him as it is.

I’m going stir crazy. I took the rest of the day off and I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve got a bank account full of money that I can’t bring myself to spend. And believe me, I’ve tried. I find I’m just obsessing about things I have no control over. Berating myself for once again letting things go without a fight. I’ve been to Best Buy, Kroger, K-Mart, the Chevrolet dealership, past a few rental homes, the pawn shop, and driven from Waterford to Clarkston to Oxford. Nothing. Didn’t buy anything. Didn’t sooth my soul. Didn’t make me feel any better. Now I’m sitting here in front of the computer trying to put up a post that doesn’t say what I want to say and still says something. I’m sure I’m going to end up back in the car. The driving and singing takes the edge off.

I mean I’ve got things I could do. I could go to my friends. I could go work out. I could go to the library. I could read a book or finish my late taxes. But no, I’m just beside myself. I mean I’m not sad or depressed or mad or any other negative emotion. I’m just bored, because I don’t know what to look forward to, don’t know how to suppress these feelings. Wait. Not true. What I need is to get a girlfriend and just move on. Problem is that right now I don’t want to do that.

Hope

Tonight I played electrician for my ex-wife. What a mess her electrical is, all sorts of unused boxes, unused wires, and the whole thing is set up for a generator, yeesh. What a mess. Anyway, got her squared away and got a nice meal out of the whole deal. Probably could have gotten more than that, but I excersised some judgement and decided that wouldn’t be the best thing to go and do. What with us not talking for the last 3-months. I don’t need the sex and that’s not the relationship I want to be in. And like I said the other day, I’m not what she’s looking for right now anyway. Besides, I think we both know who I want to be with. Right.

Hell, that’s why I started blogging again. So that at least maybe I’ll be read and not fade away. I know it’s a horribly passive-aggressive thing to do, but what are my options… I don’t think I have any. I’m just waving the flag as my ship slowly sinks beneath the waves.

Though, I will say, yesterday was an unexpected surprise. I’m both happy to know that at least my MySpace page is being looked at and shocked at how I found out. Quite brazen.

I’ve been listening to Kid Rocks newest CD for the last couple days and really enjoying it. I like the rockin’ stuff more than the ballads, but that’s probably just because I’m in a raw state with my feelings right now; a little angry, a little hurt, a little scared, and a little hopeful. I cover it all with some hard bass and screaming guitar. Works for me.

This morning I checked the bank and my tax refund arrived, sweet. Now I can pay last years taxes and still have enough money to move out. There’s a little rental house I’ve got my eye on in Waterford by my old high school. Assuming things go well when I talk to my boss next week, Tuesday, I think I’m going to make the move. I’ve been with my sister long enough. It’s time to move on. Besides, if I hold onto that money I’ll end up buying a new vehicle. Ah, who am I kidding…. that’s gonna happen soon anyway…

I need new boots.
I need some one to rework that damn shield in the top, left corner… I’d pay for that.
I need a good hair cut.
I need a pick-up truck.
I need to talk to my boss.
And I need to find a house that’ll work with me on a land contract.
That’s what I need. Hook me up and I’ll be forever grateful.
So sue me, all my needs are really wants!

My little triangle of indecision is crumbling. I finally talked to one lady — after months of not so much — that train has left the station and we agree that it’s not going any place we wanted to go. Another has pretty much tied herself to her new man and only wants me around when she’s lonely or something needs fixin’, it took awhile, but I’m okay with that. And of course there was my rant yesterday about the married lady. Ah well. Still love ’em all, even if the feelings aren’t mutual.

To all three of them, I’m sending out best wishes that your Valentine holiday is everything you could hope for. Happy Valentines Day. Chocolates, flowers, and cards all around.

I’m a little calmer today. A little less riled up. Got a letter in the mail yesterday that put me over the top… as if you didn’t notice.

Out of school by 11:30 and the boss is on vacation for the next four days, this could be the start of a good weekend. Calm. Serene. Peaceful. Unhurried. Haven’t had one like that in a long time. I’ve got to take the boy to the dentist and study for my 410A certification, but other than that I got nothin. Sweet.

I’m feeling like ranting. So I think I will.

Did you write that letter or did your husband write it and have you sign it? Selfish and wrong? So god wants you to be unhappy? Or did you just decide that you can be unhappy and live with it? Whatever. Yes, it was the wrong way to go about it and yes some people got hurt. My family, no, they didn’t get hurt… hell, they don’t even care one way or the other. Your family, yeah, I’ll agree that they got hurt. Sorry.

Fuck. If you’ve got issues with guilt and god, great, but damn it if I’m going be satisfied with that crap ass excuse about god making his presence felt to you. Unless everything you told me about the dynamic of your relationship was a lie, well, god don’t roll like that. At least my god doesn’t. He wants me to be happy, healthy, and at peace. But whatever gets you through this.

And b.t.w., your man will never let you forget this incident. He will never forget it either. You’re fucked whether you stay or leave. I just hope you take my advice and get some marriage counseling, because you’re gonna need it.

So the day that I felt things had finally blossomed, was also the day it all collapsed. You say you’ll never see or communicate with me again… well, okay. But I’ll be around, somewhere. Just remember that when things get bad in 6-months or a year. But from here on out, I don’t share and I don’t play second fiddle to any other man. I’ve learned my lesson.

Oh and when either of you read this and get pissed off and want to leave a nasty comment, just know that it’s expected, I’m not afraid of it, and it won’t get deleted.

I’m out. Peace.