Three Films

Hey, I watched some movies and I want to tell you about them. None of these three movies made me happy that I watched them. Logan came closest, but that was more from a sense of being in the loop with regard to superhero movies and the end of an era. I think I would have enjoyed finishing up Penny Dreadful on Netflix more than I enjoyed any of these films.


LOGAN

In the near future, a weary Logan cares for an ailing Professor X in a hide out on the Mexican border. But Logan’s attempts to hide from the world and his legacy are up-ended when a young mutant arrives, being pursued by dark forces.
First off, let me say that I have seen the first three x-men movies and that Wolverine origin movie, I missed the rest of them, and didn’t even realize there was a The Wolverine movie until I started this post. I was never a fan of Wolverine the character, or of the Jackman casting for Wolverine, but he’s done a good job and the fans seem to like him. So my initial reaction to this movie is; Alright, he’s old now, but what’s the big deal. After watching the movie my opinion is more like; eh, it was alright. It was a good send off for Jackman and Stewart. Probably we shouldn’t make any more movies about geriatric super heroes.
Logan is one of the few remaining mutants, and despite being the best at what he does, even though that isn’t very nice, he’s given it all up to drive for uber and be a nurse to Professor X. Oh, and he is married to some albino guy who is never explained and who I have no idea who he is or what he’s supposed to be. Then this kid and her mom show up and ask for a ride to the secret mutant sanctuary. Grumpy Logan says no, because he’s grumpy. Then the guys with prosthetic hands show up and start trying to kill everybody… seriously there are like 20 guys who are each missing a hand and have these stupid looking bionic arms. No explanation, just like here, check this out. Bionics. Pretty sweet, huh. I wasn’t impressed. Everybody that survives hops into the limo and they go on a road trip. They bring in the clones. Some more people die. They go to a cabin in the woods. Big epic super showdown. The bad guys die. The good guys die. The kid walks off to Canada to watch hockey and eat pancakes.
It was probably more emotional than that for most, but I guess I’m not most. It was a good movie, but not one I cared about or was impressed with. I was left thinking, what’s the big deal about this? Is it because Jackman is leaving the role? That must be it. How come nobody seems to make a big deal about Stewart being done?  Oh well, I saw it. I’m sure I’ll forget it was a thing soon enough. I’m going to give this movie one extra star, because I also watched Valerian and I don’t want to give that one two stars, and because these two movies shouldn’t get the same rating.


THE EMOJI MOVIE

Take an adventure in the secret world inside your smartphone to Textopolis, a bustling city where all your favorite emojis live. In this world, each emoji has only one facial expression – except for Gene (T.J. Miller), who is bursting with multiple expressions. Determined to become “normal”, Gene enlists the help of his handy best friend Hi-5 (James Corden) and the notorious code breaker emoji Jailbreak (Anna Faris). Together, these unlikely heroes embark on an epic “app-venture” through the apps on the phone, each its own wild and fun world, to find the code that will fix Gene!
Wholly fuck, this movie is dumb. Who decided this should be a thing.
I put this on as a fluke, just to check it out while I was waiting for Lady Ronn, somehow it played through to the end. Is it the worst movie of all time? No. Is it a stupid idea with the sole intent to be a cash-grab? Oh, hell yes. I wouldn’t say it’s a disaster on every level. But I might say, nearly every level. Sure, it’s got decent animation and a recognizable cast of voice actors, but is that all that matters? What about plot and story? This thing is unoriginal, the plot is nearly nonexistent and filled with holes; big, dumb holes. As an added bonus, because this one is for the kids, it’s got one-note characters (they’re emoji, so I guess that makes it okay), cheap jokes, confusing and mostly dumb world-building,  lots of product placement, dated references, flat voice acting, and of course the message that every child in america needs… your phone is the most important thing in your life. Love your phone. It hits all the bases for a second tier animated kids flick’s it’s colorful, dull, over the top, joyless, ripe with toy possibilities, kind of crass, empty, and ridiculously boring experience. I’d like to say unimaginative, but somebody came up with enough stuff to fill 86 minutes of screen time about emoji, that takes some imagination. I don’t know why I watched this. I don’t think you should watch it. And most definately don’t share this with your children. Think of the children. Spare the children. I’ll give it a star, it might have earned two, but I’m not willing to give it that benefit of the doubt. 


VALERIAN

In the 28th century, Valerian (Dane DeHaan) and Laureline (Cara Delevingne) are a team of special operatives charged with maintaining order throughout the human territories. Under assignment from the Minister of Defense, the two embark on a mission to the astonishing city of Alpha–an ever-expanding metropolis where species from all over the universe have converged over centuries to share knowledge, intelligence and cultures with each other. There is a mystery at the center of Alpha, a dark force which threatens the peaceful existence of the City of a Thousand Planets, and Valerian and Laureline must race to identify the marauding menace and safeguard not just Alpha, but the future of the universe.
Bad characters. Uninteresting story. Bad pacing. Silly world building. No emotional involvement by the cast or the audience. Just not a good movie.
Dane DeHann as Major Valerian is terrible, unbelievable, unlikable, and has the charisma of a turd. Cara Delevingne as  Sergeant Laureline is better; better in every single scene. The two of them have a chemistry that can only be called, nonexistent. The idea that these two characters are in love and that they are going to get married is, well, it’s unbelievable. Rihanna is in this movie, that’s probably a thing for some of you. She sings and dances and changes clothes before becoming a gummy-blob and then dying. It’s dumb. This whole movie is dumb. Every scene in this movie goes on too long. And that is exactly what this movie is, a series of overlong scenes of things that they thought were cool. Cool space station turned intergalactic world city. Cool virtual reality market. Cool effects. Cool aliens. Cool spaceships. Cool disregard for rules and ranks. There is a lot of cool in this film. The problem being that I don’t think this film understands what is and what isn’t cool. Many of the things Valerian thinks are cool are lame, derivative, unoriginal, and poorly done.
I was just plain bored by this movie. Every part of it. Every single bit. I don’t think I had a single, “Wow, that was cool” moment throughout. It was like watching somebody mash up Star Wars, Star Trek, Avatar, and a couple other films I haven’t seen into one thing. And that thing was not very good. Cara Delevingne was pretty good, but the rest was typical, throw away Hollywood garbage that nobody will remember in two years.

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