Disappointing Behavior

This is a football post that isn’t about football. I played my playoff game tonight against the Eagles and lost badly. Final score was 41-7. But the score doesn’t really tell the whole story.
The score was twenty to seven at the half and I’d already made two mistakes that were gnawing at me. I’d rushed through one set of downs late in the first quarter trying to show that I could even the score before the quarter ended. That didn’t work. No big surprise. Punt. And I’d thrown one end zone interception to a receiver who wasn’t even close to being open. Losing the chance to bring the score to within three points. Both were more errors of decision than things I had no control over and I was getting edgy.
I started the third quarter with the ball and a chance to score some much needed points. Instead I threw an interception. No story there, just a bad throw. It happens. The Eagles scored on their next play pulling even further away. And I lost it. Lost my fucking mind. There wasn’t any screaming or cursing, but I snapped. Gave up on the game. Wanted to shut it off right there and walk away. Would have been better if I had.
Instead of playing the rest of the game conservatively and trying to do damage control and look for chances to get back into the game I got stupid. Fake punt stupid. Fieldgoal defense stupid. Go for it every fourth down stupid. Basically I played like as asshat.
I have a bit of a history of choking when the pressure gets turned up. Tonight was not an exception. Only this time I did it with little or no grace. To my opponent, I apologize. I’ve been kicking myself since the game ended. The wife says it’s okay, these things happen. She’s wrong. I’ve lost before, but I’ve never so totally lost my composure. I feel like I’m better than that. I know I’m better than that.
So the best two teams in the league made it to the Superbowl. As the league commissioner I’m happy about that. My season is over. I had a lot of fun. I’m embarrassed by the way I ended it, but you live and you learn.