Stop Drop and Roll

This morning I took my youngest to the orthodontist, his little brother came with us. He’s too young to stay at home alone. I always feel odd taking him places, not that I’ve actually taken him all that many places. This is partially because he’s not my child, partially because his father has made it clear that he shouldn’t like me (this is bad because he does like me and that causes confusion in an 8-year old), and partially because he’s so damn demanding of my attention. The kid really wants something from me that I can’t give him. Or rather, I could, but I don’t feel like I can. It’s just rough. He sees me as his brothers dad and wants so badly to be part of their world (they’re 7 and 10 years older than he is) that he kinda latches onto me. This wasn’t so bad when I was seeing his mother, but it did make the confusion worse for him. But I’m not seeing her any more and break-ups are always hard on kids.

Funny bit, we were sitting in the waiting room, talking about I don’t remember what, and I said that I needed to get a girlfriend. He says, “Um… Ronn… What about my mom?” A little sarcastically and more as a reminder than a question. So I look at him and say, “We tried that, didn’t really work out. Remember. I haven’t been around since Thanksgiving.” That seemed to leave him at a loss. But hey, what else could I say.

Anyway, my son didn’t get his braces off yet again. He also got a promise to get the fuck kicked out of him if he didn’t get his grades back up. Yeah, I know I shouldn’t talk to the kid like that, but it works. Besides at 14 the kid has too much fuck building up in him as it is.

I’m going stir crazy. I took the rest of the day off and I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve got a bank account full of money that I can’t bring myself to spend. And believe me, I’ve tried. I find I’m just obsessing about things I have no control over. Berating myself for once again letting things go without a fight. I’ve been to Best Buy, Kroger, K-Mart, the Chevrolet dealership, past a few rental homes, the pawn shop, and driven from Waterford to Clarkston to Oxford. Nothing. Didn’t buy anything. Didn’t sooth my soul. Didn’t make me feel any better. Now I’m sitting here in front of the computer trying to put up a post that doesn’t say what I want to say and still says something. I’m sure I’m going to end up back in the car. The driving and singing takes the edge off.

I mean I’ve got things I could do. I could go to my friends. I could go work out. I could go to the library. I could read a book or finish my late taxes. But no, I’m just beside myself. I mean I’m not sad or depressed or mad or any other negative emotion. I’m just bored, because I don’t know what to look forward to, don’t know how to suppress these feelings. Wait. Not true. What I need is to get a girlfriend and just move on. Problem is that right now I don’t want to do that.